Watch Your Junk and Other Advice for Expectant Fathers Read online

  Watch Your Junk

  & Other Advice for Expectant Fathers

  BENJAMIN WALLACE

  Contents

  ABOUT THIS GUIDE

  1. THE FIRST THING NO ONE TOLD YOU

  2. FINDING OUT

  3. YOUR DUE DATE

  4. NINE MONTHS

  5. WHEN TO TELL THE WORLD

  6. THE FUCKING MILKMAN

  7. THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN

  8. YOUR FIRST SONOGRAM

  9. YOUR FIRST SONOGRAM - THE TWIN VERSION

  10. YOU BECOME NOBODY

  11. FINE, ABOUT THE WAND

  12. THE ADVANCED SONOGRAM

  13. THE BABY CLASS

  14. SHOPPING: YOUR FIRST BABY FIGHT

  THE LIST

  15. WHAT’S NOT ON THE LIST

  16. NAMING YOUR CHILD

  17. THE NURSERY

  18. BRAXTON HICKS

  19. YOU’RE CUT OFF

  20. PACKING FOR THE HOSPITAL

  21. HONEY, IT’S TIME

  22. SOME THINGS HOSPITALS DON’T LIKE YOU TO DO

  23. DELIVERY - NATURAL

  24. DELIVERY - C-SECTION

  25. THEY’RE WATCHING YOU

  26. MILESTONES: YOUR BABY’S FIRST CRAP

  27. GOING HOME

  28. LET’S TALK ABOUT SHIT

  29. THE FIRST NIGHT

  30. SLEEPING LIKE A BABY

  31. DIAPERS

  32. GETTING OUT OF EVERYTHING

  33. BOTTLES

  34. MAKING NOISE

  35. YOU’RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING STUPID AND INSENSITIVE WHILE THINKING IT’S A GOOD IDEA

  36. TIME FOR YOURSELF

  37. ROLLING OVER AND THE RELATED HYSTERICS

  38. SMILING BACK

  39. IT’S BACK ON

  40. FOCUS

  41. MOVIES WITH PRINCESSES THAT DON’T SUCK

  42. SITTING UP

  43. WATCH YOUR JUNK

  44. TEETHING

  45. IS YOUR CHILD EVIL?

  46. BABY PROOFING

  47. MOBILITY

  48. LET’S TALK ABOUT SHIT, AGAIN

  49. FIRST MOMENT OF COGNITION

  50. BAD WORDS

  51. TALKING

  52. MORE THAN A FATHER

  53. THE END

  Give the Gift of Junk

  Further Reading

  Other Works

  About the Author

  Copyright © 2012 by Benjamin Wallace. All rights reserved.

  This book is for entertainment purposes only. While every caution has been taken to provide readers with the most accurate information, readers are using the information in this book at their own risk. It is after all called Watch Your Junk and Other Advice for Expectant Fathers.

  Cover design by J Caleb Design

  For every guy that always longed to bring a child into this world or forgot to pull out.

  ABOUT THIS GUIDE

  A lot of things change when your wife has a baby. You’ve probably heard something like that already. You’ve talked to friends and family. Many people have offered, or will offer, unsolicited advice. You may have even read some books about what it’s going to be like to be a father.

  Well guess what. They’re lying to you.

  Okay, “lying” may be stretching things a bit. But, they certainly aren’t telling you everything. Why? Because having a child is exactly like buying a motorcycle.

  When you are shopping for a motorcycle everyone tells you how cool it’s going to be. When you buy a motorcycle, the same people tell you every gruesome accident story they’ve ever heard.

  When you’re having a kid, everyone tells you how wonderful it’s going to be. They tell you how your heart will melt the first time they call you “Dada.” They tell you when your child will learn to walk. They tell you when to switch from baby food to solids. They never tell you that one day your kid may habitually take his shit and rub it in his hair.

  Lucky for you, you’ve got me.

  I’ve got no training, no degree and almost no social skills. But I do have three kids—two boys and a girl. They’re awesome. And they’ve each driven me to the brink of insanity well before they could speak. But, I’ve survived and you might too.

  I’m certainly not trying to talk anyone out of having kids. They’re wonderful. Really. The happiness my three kids bring me far outweighs the frustration, so don’t take any of this the wrong way. They are a complete joy.

  Besides, if you’ve picked up this book you’ve probably already got a little screaming miracle at home or on the way. So, you’re already in.

  A lot of ground has been covered in the impending baby category and they are all full of great knowledge about what’s happening to your baby and your wife at various stages. I’ll cover some of that here, but I’m really trying to tell you the things that those books, family and professionals won’t.

  At times you will feel like a terrible parent. At other times you’ll feel like a champion. Most times, you’ll feel like an idiot. That’s all completely normal, you just need to know it’s coming.

  Just consider this whole guide thing a “heads up” or a “watch out” or a “hey, you’re kid might put crap in his hair, just thought you should know” kind of thing. I know it would have been a comfort for me to know that all the things my wife and I went through were completely normal and not the result of some poor parenting skills.

  There’s a whole bunch of stuff you’re not expecting when your wife is expecting. I’m just trying to share what I know. Besides, I’ve picked up some tricks that might help.

  I promise not to get all scientific-jargony on you. That would just confuse us both. But, I do want to clarify a couple of choices I’ve made in writing this book regarding some of the terms.

  Wife

  I’m not naïve or a prude in any way. I understand that you may be having a child with someone who is not your wife. For simplicity’s sake, however, I’ll be referring to the person who is carrying your child as your wife.

  If that is not the case, when you get to the word wife, just mentally replace it with girlfriend, mistress, acquaintance, or disgraced cousin—whatever the case may be.

  He/She/It

  If you don’t know what kind of kid you’re having, how would I know? I’m going to try and stick with gender-neutral terms but if I slip and say she and you end up having a he, know that a he is just like a she but with more penis.

  Throughout this guide you’ll find sections called “the twin version.” I went from one kid to three in the span of two minutes so I understand the added challenges that come with multiples. In “the twin version” sections I’ll explain how having multiples changes things. It usually makes things trickier but I’ll also show how to milk this situation for all of the sympathy it’s worth. The more children you have at the same time, the more pity you get. Let’s not waste it.

  THE FIRST THING NO ONE TOLD YOU

  You’re going to have to change the kitty litter, man. I know how you feel. This would have been the one deal breaker for me too, but no one told us that a woman with child could not be around kitty litter until after my wife was pregnant.

  I realize that this sounds like something women made up to get out of changing the litter, but the fact is that cat poop and even kitty litter dust contains a chemical that could cause Toxoplasmosis. And you know that’s bad because the word starts with toxo which is Latin for “this shit’ll kill your baby.”

  You’d think that with such a potentially lethal effect that all kitty litter bags should be marked with a skull and crossbones and that cats would be outlawed as pets. Despite my letter writing camp
aign, neither is the case. We’re just going to have to live with the evil creatures. Just know that the bag of dirt with the cute kitten on it is in fact a chemical weapon designed to end your family line.

  Kitty litter is only the first way that your wife’s cat will try to murder your offspring. We’ll get to that a little later. Just remember that cat = baby death. Got it?

  And, before you ask, I already checked—even with a surgical mask, the litter is dangerous, so you’re going to have to change her cat’s litter for the next nine months. There’s no use whining about it, just dig in. Sorry, man.

  FINDING OUT

  With the exception of conception, every part of childbirth is disgusting. I’m not just talking about the natural and gross biology parts. We ingenious humans have gone and made things worse through technology.

  Let’s take for instance the very first time you find out that you’re going to be a father. You’re going to have the admirable job of raising a young man or woman up into the world. Your influence, guidance and love are certain to produce a fine upstanding citizen that will go on to accomplish great things. He or she could even be president of a great nation one day.

  How do you find out about this blessing? What is your first awareness of this joy of joys? Your wife waves a stick in your face that she spent the morning peeing all over.

  Although it is the most effective way to detect early pregnancy, this method is hardly the most dignified. Then again, it might be the best way to kick off the next poop- and pee-filled years. As you are about to be a parent, this will hardly be your last experience with bodily fluids. Maybe it is secretly meant as a coronation to don up on you your new title as if there is some silent authority declaring, “With the scepter of urine I do declare you father-to-be. Now rise and take the pee stick.”

  If this hasn’t already happened, the only advice I can really offer is this—if she hands the stick to you, grab it from the end she is holding. She knows what she did to that thing and where exactly it had to be done.

  How you react at this moment is a good indicator to her how you will be as a father. Oddly enough, saying nothing is appropriate. Stammering for words is an expected and endearing reaction. Swearing, downing a bottle of Jack or changing your name and moving to Mexico are less acceptable reactions.

  No matter how you choose to react, don’t forget to hug her. Just make sure she’s put the pee stick down first.

  YOUR DUE DATE

  Admittedly, the pee stick is a pretty exciting moment. The two of you will grin for hours. All eye contact will result in goofy smiles. Enjoy that moment because it is the last one that does not also include the doctor. Once the magic whiz wand says you’re expecting, it’s off to the doctors to make everything official. The test is essentially the same but the doctor will require a lot more pee and fewer sticks. They are looking for a hormone. Let them handle this one. They’ll find the hormone and give you the good news—your wife did not waste ten bucks peeing on a stick.

  Once they confirm that your wife is indeed pregnant, the next step is to determine your baby’s due date. There’s a chance you may know the exact date of conception. And you can tell the doctor. But they don’t care and they won’t listen. As far as modern medical science is concerned, every single couple did it the day after the wife’s last cycle. Apparently, in medical school, they learn that it is the only day that people have sex. Even if you have photographic evidence of the exact time and date of conception, you pervert. It doesn’t matter to them. The first day after the last period is the day your child was conceived.

  So what do they do with this information? Do they enter it into the computer where a complex algorithm calculates a due date based on biological, geographical and socio-economical information? No. They pull out a decoder wheel. They line up the date the doctor has decided that you had sex and it gives them a date forty weeks in the future and that’s your due date.

  From this point on nearly every conversation you have will revolve around that date. Every deadline you now face will be determined by it. It is the end all, be all date. And, the chances of your baby getting there on that actual day are round about zero.

  But, that’s the date. Just go with it.

  NINE MONTHS

  A quick note about nine months; it’s really ten. Yeah, I know, it’s the one thing you thought you knew about having a baby. You knew how they were made and, once you were done with that part, you knew that nine months later you would have a baby.

  The gestational term for human babies is forty weeks. That’s ten months—even if February is doing something weird that year.

  So why do British actors insist on telling us it’s nine months? Well, usually by the time you find out your wife is pregnant it’s already been a month. So ten minus that one is nine. Simple math really. But, it stills seems like a cruel trick from across the pond.

  So how will this affect things? Not at all really. I just wanted you to know so you don’t look like an idiot arguing with the doctor when she tries to tell you a baby is full term at ten months and you keep going, “nuh-uh, it’s nine.”

  WHEN TO TELL THE WORLD

  For a whole lot of reasons, you’re probably going to want to tell the world that you got a woman pregnant. So, how long do you wait? Traditionally, people advise that you wait about three months before announcing the pregnancy. Unfortunately, many pregnancies end in a miscarriage before this time and the advice is based on not letting the cat out of the bag before the baby is out of the woods.

  Go ahead. Try and wait three months without the world getting wind of this. You or your wife will slip eventually. Probably sooner than later. Perhaps you’ll just agree to tell your parents with the caveat that they don’t tell anybody else. Sure, that’ll work. You don’t think grandma-to-be is going to tell everybody she knows? Of course, she’ll also add the caveat that they don’t tell anybody, too. Grandmas are wily that way.

  No matter what you decide, the world will know soon enough. Maybe it just picks up on the look on your face that is either overly joyous or absent of all color. It all depends on how hard you were actually trying to have a baby.

  Regardless of what you decided, people will be excited for you and your wife. Your mothers will cry, her friends will squeal and jaded fathers will pretend you’ve ruined everything. It’s inevitable. Just shake all the hands, five all the highs and get ready to hear all about the fucking milkman.

  THE FUCKING MILKMAN

  After you’ve decided to let everyone know the wonderful news, you’ll receive a host of compliments, well wishes and assaults on your wife’s virtue. The most common of these is an insistence that the milkman is actually the father of your child.

  I cannot tell you why guys find this funny. There is no other good news in this world that is greeted with an accusation of a spouse’s sluttery. There’s no other situation where it happens.

  You: “Hey, I got that new job.”

  Guy: “That’s great. Bet your wife boned your new boss.”

  Or

  You: “We close on the house next week.”

  Guy: “I guess your wife is sleeping with the agent.”

  Or

  You: “Good news. I don’t have cancer after all.”

  Guy: “Your wife’s a whore.”

  See? It’s never really appropriate. But, as soon as you say you’re having a kid, some guy will insist your wife screwed the milkman.

  This is insulting for two reasons: one, it implies that the love of your life and mother of your child-to-be has been unfaithful; two, it implies that she has invented a time machine and used it to travel sixty years into the past to have a dalliance in the dairy industry rather than use it to prevent the B-52s from forming as any responsible human would.

  It’s inevitable, however, so you’re just going to have to deal with it. And, since throat punching unoriginal, unfunny coworkers is still “frowned upon” by most HR departments, the best you can do is smile and remind the person that it is the
21st century and that milk has not been delivered to a home in over fifty years due to advances in refrigeration, packaging and the fact that all the milkmen are still over at his mom’s house taking turns making deliveries at her back door. (Guys that make milkman jokes really like your mom jokes, too, so they should find the mental image of a line of geriatric deliverymen banging their mother in the pooper hysterical). Don’t forget to smile. It’s all in good fun.

  THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN

  The moment your wife tells you she’s pregnant, you lose the right to complain. You’ll get it back eventually but any grumblings you have for the next nine months to three years should be kept to yourself.